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Hair type: straight/wavy
Kinky-haired brotha or no washing your hair is like the current presidential race: a waking fucking nightmare That might be because much like the political choices you guys are facing over the pond options are seemingly limited Either you buy Head & Shoulders again or drop more than you can afford on something from MR PORTER I’m here to tell you there’s a halfway house for which your hair will thank you: it’s called Kiehl’s Amino Acid Shampoo and you should definitely buy it
Use it:
Simple process this one Lather into hair made wet by WARM water (too hot and it strips oils) and wash away Now some might say that “Creates a rich creamy lather for a delightful shampoo experience” might be the worst piece of marketing writing ever (and that Kiehl’s should look no further than this column for a writer of suitable skills to update their product communications *cough* Kiehl’s I’m @alexowenharris *cough*) But that’s no reason to write this product off My hair dries easily and this is one of the few shampoos that doesn’t wipe it of moisture and leave me with a Donald Trump-style mop of wispy lichen
Hair type: curly/tight curls
Super dry or curly hair needs particular attention post-washing (skip this bit if you’re more of the greasy head-mop type) It’s something with which I have little experience so I passed this one on to a friend with tight curls (“frizzy as fuck when long” to use his words) who finds regular hair products about as appropriate as Donald Trump line dancing at the Festival de México (I feel a Trump theme coming on so I’m going to roll with it Trolls: you already have my twitter) My friend therefore uses an oil-replenishing product specifically Lemongrass Tea Conditioner by Blind Barber
Use it:
After you’ve washed your hair ensure it’s wet and warm and then apply the conditioner If your hair is particularly dry and tight leave the conditioner in for a minute before rinsing thoroughly Try towel-drying your hair gently or leaving it to dry naturally rather than blasting it to hell and back with a dryer And style it with a light cream rather than a heavy wax You listening Strugglord
Hair type: thin/dry
One thing – literally the only thing – Trump and I have in common is thin hair I mean mine is still classed as hair unlike his confusing mass of haunted fluff But for chaps like us it’s important to avoid going overboard with the amount of shampoo used – too much product sucks up oil quicker than you can say “Sarah Palin in Alaska with a massive drill” So instead use shampoo judiciously and say “Thickening Conditioner by Sachajuan” Preferably at a shop that sells it
Use it:
After you wash your hair apply the conditioner liberally to warm wet hair Massage for a few minutes pretending you’re in the jungle under a waterfall in one of those super-sexualized adverts if it helps pass the time Leave it in for a minute and then rinse thoroughly Omit the sex noises; you probably don’t look like one of the women in those adverts
Bonus pro tip
If you find that after washing your hair is utterly unmanageable or that you frequently fail at “styling” that shit on your head then here’s a pro tip: use a styling conditioner After your usual shower routine (don’t leave details in the comments; I don’t want to know what you do in there) apply Pankhurst London’s Leave-in Styling Conditioner to still damp hair and gently blow-dry in the general direction/style you want
After that to borrow from Kanye you’ll have a dope life and do dope shit
Unless you’re Donald Trump
Hit me with your grooming questions below so I don’t have to come up with column ideas for myself and can just answer them next week
– Alex Harris
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