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And she had yelled at the judge the judge who told her to sit down and shut up and who told her lawyer she should sue or be reprimanded for being financially irresponsible "That man didn't get up that morning and decide 'I'm going to wipe out a 6-year-old'" she yelled at the judge Your mother got by Your uncle paid her every week you were in the hospital but not long after you got out she returned to the greenhouse and she got into a squabble with your uncle's wife so she took other jobs—waitressing wrapping meat at one deli taking orders at another If you were pouring milk into your cereal bowl and you spilled it all over your mother grabbed a towel and cleaned it up but she left it to you to make yourself another bowl You fell down a lot and when that happened she wouldn't even stop talking she'd just reach down and put you on your feet and if you fell again she would pick you up again Your broken bones healed Doctors reversed the colostomy Because of the brain damage you still walked awkwardly but you fell less You talked more And to others it might have looked like a happy fable: Little boy suffers grievous injury through tough love and support finds his place in the world But you hadn't found your place Bret helps with repairs and tends to the horses on visits to his philosophical mother's farm If your mother didn't know it then she would soon enough You were in second grade It was a spring afternoon and your mother had come to the school She might have been hard but she could also be fun Every so often she'd stop by school and gather you and your brothers and maybe a few other kids and take all of you to go feed the ducks or to go fishing or to just sit by a lake and play She was on her way to your classroom when she saw you in the hall You were throwing books and ripping paper You had reasons you knew that and she did too The right side of your body didn't work well Neither did your mouth You knew answers and couldn't say them fast enough and you knew that people thought you were stupid and you weren't Your mother knew how frustrated you were and if she had been someone else she might have held you stroked your head comforted you She snatched you up and she paddled you right in the school hallway and people were watching by now they had heard the commotion and they were shocked but they didn't know what she knew they didn't know what she told you that day dragging you out to her car "You can't do all the things the other kids do" she said "Tough You are going to have to deal with it" She was not religious—she had her reasons generations old and having nothing to do with you—but now to her sobbing raging second-grader she invoked God "God never said anything about fair" she said "He said you got a chance" After that she grabbed a marker at home and she scrawled this onto your school bag: "Failure is not falling down Failure is not getting back up" She wrote the same thing on the refrigerator She read to you every day She did math problems with you She paid you and Mark a penny each for every fly you killed She let you play horseshoes and didn't let you see how that terrified her and everyone else in the vicinity And she might have softened might have let you slide when things were toughest might have given you a break But she didn't The doctors had told her to make sure your clothes had Velcro fasteners so that you'd be able to get in and out of them yourself But she knew the easy cruelty of children knew the taunts you would easily incite without pasting Velcro targets all over yourself So she made you shirts with giant buttonholes and she bought big buttons and she sewed those on and she told you that you were going to learn how to button your clothes That first night she and her mother—your grandmother—stood in your room and watched you When you got to the last button you—and they—realized you had miscalculated that the two sides were misaligned by one buttonhole Your grandmother moved to help you "Get back If you can't keep your hands off you should go home" your mother snapped "He needs to learn to do it himself" And as you unbuttoned your shirt with your good left hand and your claw of a right hand your grandmother stood with her own hands clenched behind her back to keep them from reaching out to you and she wept Your mother watched dry-eyed Your mother took you to a support group for people who had suffered brain injuries and their families When one of the mothers of another young man also brain-damaged said "I'm a survivor too" your mother snapped "Oh no you're not You're a parent This is your job" You were put in special classes in high school and hated them Other kids would frown and whimper if they couldn't answer a question and then an advisor would do the work for them You didn't want anyone doing your work You studied Latin because rolling those strange words around your tongue seemed to strengthen it and German because thinking sentences through in that language helped you express them in English By the time you were a sophomore in high school Eric had left for college and Mark's loan-sharking business was booming and his friends—Speedy and Ben and Rich—were your friends One of them was gay and your mom was worried that he was a bad influence on you Not because he was gay Because he was sneaky If you were gay that was fine but she wanted you to be gay because you were gay not because you were lonely and one of your loan-sharking brother's sneaky friends was a predator When you were a senior six weeks before you were due to graduate your mother got a call from your school You had walked out of a class and nobody knew where you were She found you on State Highway 83 headed north She asked where you were going and you said you didn't know But you were going You refused to return to Mukwonago High School that day or ever again What was the point You knew you'd never be able to speak well you'd never be able to tell people everything you were feeling everything you were thinking And what you were feeling and thinking was a mess You were taking Depakene and Peganone to prevent seizures Your right hand didn't work properly and sometimes especially when you got tired you limped and listed and there were long silences between your words You knew you'd always put people ill at ease What kind of life was that You knew what other people thought You knew what life would be like You knew what to do You took a fitful shot at killing yourself You don't like thinking about it You don't like talking about it Your mother took you to the hospital where a psychologist told her you were a "dullard" Your mother had found a one-armed composer She had managed to wrestle you and that goddamn air mattress into her goddamn Pinto She had found you the blood you needed and taught you to speak again and willed you to button your own shirt So of course she could find a doctor who would take the time to listen to you To see you To know you And she did He worked in Milwaukee and he was kind and he listened And understood He understood that life was hard and that life for someone with brain injuries was nearly intolerable and that all the medications you were on took the "nearly" out of it He knew how you felt "Bret's smart" he told your mother as if she didn't know that "By the time you get done talking to him you're almost convinced suicide is a logical option" It took time to cure those thoughts Once your mother found you in your bedroom with a machete "You want to kill yourself" she screamed seizing the machete "Here I'll help you" She smacked your legs with the handle Eventually the doctor suggested taking you off all the medications He told your mother she might lose you but it was a gamble worth taking She and you agreed You kept seeing the doctor You passed your high school equivalency exam You prepared for the rest of your life While Barb raised Bret to be independent she and Oscar remain his support team You decided to take the civil service test for a post office job You asked that you be able to fill out your name and address before the test started so you wouldn't waste so much time writing They refused They thought you were trying to gain an unfair advantage It wasn't the first time people had misjudged you and it wouldn't be the last You told your mother you were going to take a data entry course at Waukesha County Technical Institute and she said sure if that's what you want to do You said you'd get there yourself and she said of course if that's what you wanted You walked to West Greenfield Avenue and got on the number nine bus and you didn't know it but behind the bus slid down in her seat to make sure she wasn't seen was your mother She had never felt so proud She had never—except for days in the hospital—felt so frightened You Mark and your mom moved north to Pine Lake in 1987 when she bought a bar—The Whispering Pines—and those were good years Your mother met a man Oscar 15 years younger than her and kind You tended bar and got to know people and people got to know you Your mom and Oscar married; they lived upstairs and you and Mark lived in an apartment below You took classes at Nicolet Area Technical College You got A's in Computer Concepts the Psychology of Human Relationships Economics and Creative Writing Business Law and Intermediate Algebra you got B's Fundamentals of Speech you got a C You wanted to be more than a bartender You applied for jobs around town but the people hiring said you should be able to type Of course you could type But you couldn't do it fast enough You filled out an application at a local gas station—it was long and it took quite some time and you didn't like the way the person at the desk watched you labor over it—and after she thanked you and you left your mother saw her tear up your application and throw the pieces in the trash can One place that was interested in you was Drs Foster and Smith a pet-supply business But the supervisor was curious You were receiving disability insurance Did you not know that working a steady job would jeopardize your monthly government check Why would you want to do that You explained to the person that you wanted to work because that's what men did They worked Did she have a problem with that She did not and she said the company would be glad to have you and you decided that you thought you might fit in at Drs Foster and Smith You started work on August 29 1995 You were employee number 860 You worked near another young man named Marko Modic You lifted things and you moved heavy things and it didn't take Marko long to figure out—once he got past your difficulty with language and the way late in the day the right side of your body stiffened and the left side of your face froze up—that you were a smart guy Really smart And funny Smarter and funnier than most everyone else in the warehouse You and Marko would talk about politics and women and sports and you would join the other warehouse employees one day a week to play volleyball It didn't take you long to realize that with your balance issues and the way the right side of your body didn't work so well you couldn't play You stayed on the sides making wisecracks Marko realized that for all your jokes you had a chip on your shoulder You acted like you had something to prove When someone else would carry a five-gallon bottle of water up a flight of stairs you would carry two jugs one on each shoulder right-side weakness be damned If someone would ask about your injuries you'd shut them down We're all different you would say End of story Marko got to know you but not many others did The company hosted an annual summer picnic and an employee appreciation Christmas luncheon but you didn't attend Dealing with others was exhausting And you knew that you made them uncomfortable You knew what they were thinking when they saw you Lunchtime while others were knotted at tables in the cafeteria talking about whatever people talked about you sat in the break room in front of the television wolfing down your chicken and coleslaw People offered you rides to work but you knew they felt beholden and you didn't want that so you refused You didn't want to risk making anyone more uncomfortable You walked to work and you walked home You walked to the grocery store and the Laundromat and you walked to the Red Cross blood center because you wanted to be useful You watched a few TV shows and went to bed early and you got up and you fed Taffy and had your oatmeal and cranberries and started over again and it was enough For 18 years Bret has worked in a warehouse where he's made friends like Marko Modic Your mother had been a hard woman and she had done her best and she had succeeded You were a hard man If only you could have explained to people all you knew—about farming and animals and your cat and the designer chickens you planned to breed about military history and how you knew Latin and German how you longed for a woman's touch.. 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