Lying, it turns out,
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, is actually a sign of something good happening in the developing brain. Dishonesty requires some mental heavy lifting,
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, like figuring out what another person knows and how to use that information to your advantage. Many kids start experimenting with stretching the truth between ages 3 and 4. “In a way,
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, it’s almost like they’re exercising a new ability,” Talwar says. “ And part of that is, ‘Mommy doesn’t know what I just did.’”
That thought sounds simple, but it’s actually quite profound. It means that a child is developing what scientists call theory of mind — the ability to understand the perspectives of other people and realize that those perspectives are sometimes different. It also means that a friend of mine who has put in years of hard work convincing her 5-year-old daughter that she is all-seeing and all-knowing may be out of luck soon. With a quickly solidifying theory of mind, her kid will wise up to her mom’s tall tale,
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, if she hasn’t already.
For the rest of us parents who can’t maintain an elaborate charade like that,
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, Talwar says the key is to create an environment that fosters truth-telling. “One of the most important ways to encourage honesty is to acknowledge it when you see it,” she says. If my daughter had answered yes to my ridiculous question,
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, I should have thanked her for telling the truth before addressing the hitting. “Make sure they understand that you’ve appreciated that bit,” Talwar says.
Another strategy to minimize lies, as simple as it sounds, is to ask your kid to tell you the truth. Sweet little children,
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, bless their hearts,
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, just might comply, as a study from Talwar and colleagues suggests.

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