Just one flick and the world has vanished. It is kinda weird, this deep-nothing-anymore can hurt-ease. I can feel the long-lost father's hug. He was dead, or just the whole world died for me without him, I do not know, but right now I do not care - everything is fine.

Maybe death is not the end. I can't see or sense anymore. I've been hungry and thirsty, I loved and got angry. Sometimes I had those feelings at the same time. It does made any sense only that way. I mean, anger and love. Who I did not loved, just fought them, or just walked away by their. I believed that anger is an evil-wrong feeling but it turned out that somehow it's not. Kinda it makes any sense to be angry - through anger you can be surprised: you like, you love, you feel - you're alive. You love him/her, because it hurts now. Anger, peace and love. This feelings are hunting each other inside of me. They hunted each other - but now, it doesn't make any sense anymore became they are some jumbled-foggy memories.

It's a weird thought that I'm dead now and it's kinda weirder to know that I am in the loving arms of my Father. He loves me so much. Because of him I got really badly angry so many times- he blew up the whole world-altar inside of me. But somehow it does not matter anymore. Not the bitterness even that I felt because now I know: everything what happened to me, everything I ever saw or felt just helped me to became the identity who or what now I am. Helped me to see what really matters.

There are no more punishments anymore valid and all the irrelevant fog-feeling-memories are vanishing and the only thing that remains and matter is love. It can not be described. It has peace and rainbow-scent inside, just like the essence of the wet land after a big spring rain playing with the breeze. I used to like feel the wind touching my face and I will never forget the first breathe of the salty-water fragrance in which I felt His essence so strong. I felt him in one drop of the ocean and I remember how much I desired to dissolve in it, live as one molecule of life and water of eternity and to become one with the hurtly-laughing-crying life.

To learn the real meaning of beauty through the eye of somebody else and realize that with every opening your window you just invite a new opportunity of life and feelings into your life. And how good it is, to open that window it's still good even if it hurts sometimes.

Just to be on a trip with strangers and look into the eyes of a mind that was cut from the consciousness life, but this mind is full with emotions. Just a little smile and you are smiling back and after the weird feelings in your stomach and some pure, happy tears in your eyes during watching the little-thiny mother is giving a soft kiss to his son. And watching the child who has only feelings and emotions and never will be disturbed by thoughts. This little-thiny mother also is leaving the room sometimes -at least I imagine that and in this moment the little boy can not understand why is his mother left him behind, and where did she just go but she come back and the only feeling of this little emotioned-mind is happiness and forgiveness. He does not need any explanations he just need love, and his mother give it to him- so she open a whole new world-window every day to him.

Now I feel like this child and I felt the same way as I thought I've been left behind. And now I'm back and everything is just in order again. He came back to me, and he holds me again. My Father.

Coming back and sense again... It feels like after a long blindness there are all chart of the colors that blowing into your mind during your eyes.

And in so deep of my mind is still can feel the last touch of the neverending love after what he ripped me out of his chest, out of his soul that he left here with me. He gave me back what I loved so much. I became a living existence from a memory again. I became smaller but better. I have no questions anymore because my trust is eternal, because I learned how to love, to feel without fears and doubts. I know the time will come and will return to him to his deep-peece- loving arms but till this time I want to love. I wish to give love and learn how to accept love. But till now I did not love enough so I had to return back. I have to sense again the touch of the wind, I have to get angry again and have to shout again and the most important is- I have to love again and I need to forgive again. I became smaller but better, and I’m alive - again.