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Instead when I turned 35 I was newly single having just come out of a ten-year relationship The one I thought would be forever The one I thought was The One Most of my friends were married with babies and tastefully tiled semi-detached houses I on the other hand felt like writing my 13-year-old self a letter of apology for the big old mess I'd become There was one saving grace; alongside an over-anxious cat and a mild addiction to Battlestar Galactica I had a book deal with oh hang on a book full of sex and drugs due out the following year just in case everyone I knew fancied disowning me So I did what any sensible person would do in the same situation - I spent a stupid amount of money on exotic foreign travel and the rest on alcohol Before I hit my mid-30s my life was generally characterised by panic: panic about being (and staying) in love panic about paying the rent panic about never getting a novel published panic about waking up naked hungover and surrounded by sausage roll packets on a leatherette sofa in Cheshire (probably not done that for the last time to be honest) I made a lot of breathy nervy mistakes I got engaged and quickly realised I didn't want to get married I bought a house and quickly realised I didn't want to live there I thought it was more important to get a book out than write a good book I was ricocheting wildly pinballing off various often conflicting responsibilities and desires never daring to stop and analyse in case it wasted precious time When I did stop moving in crashingly dramatic style at 35 I had a moment of clarity I realised that I didn't look back on the break-up with anger or pain - just a sort of natural sadness and tons of respect Too often we're forced to view relationships that have ended categorically as failures when in fact they can be the exact opposite Because sometimes things end and that's okay - in fact that's right Crucially I wasn't panicking Which in my life was news The latter half of thirties have become about allowing myself time to ponder even when the world seems to want to rush me Case in point: The Baby Thing The pressure has been tangible this decade since my fertility is apparently on the wane and time is Running Out As social milestones go this is a tough one The default setting in our culture is that women should want babies But what if they dont Or what if they do and cant Human beings - and in particular women have been trained to see life as a speedy super-competitive game and the race to the finish line really revs up in your thirties But we dont want to play anymore We would rather see pregnancy as a physical state than a moral victory Same for being in a relationship rather than single Don't believe the hype of having it all Because we dont have to have it all ever We can just have the bits we want at our own pace Right now day-to-day happiness feels like a better focus than the massive over-arching life-plan Im no wise woman on the hill I have the emotional fall-out of my past with me for the ride I have my triggers But Im able to self-monitor more making the freak-outs fewer and farther between Now I can see that my ten-year love story was a chapter of its own and also a prologue setting me up to be franker in the future When I was getting together with my new boyfriend earlier this year I was more honest than Ive ever been Weve talked about our hopes and fears straight up We got to know each other before we made any promises I can say to him 'This is where I've come from tell me where you've come from aren't people brilliant and ridiculous' and build on that It feels liberating - and for a sausage roll-eating filth-penning booze-addled nomad it feels something like progress Emma is author of Animals and Hungry the Stars and Everything (Canongate) Follow her @emjaneunsworthIn Your FortiesBy Alice SmellieIt infuriates me when people patronizingly suggest that forty is the new thirty or twenty Forty is sexy successful and superior It is a joyful and determined leaping along the crest of the mountain There has never been a better time in history to reach your fifth decade as a woman Turning 40 for me was about renewed confidence and a surge in ambition rather than the death of my youth It has taken me forty years to become happy If I could go back in time I would swipe my silly selfish twenty year old self around the head tell her to stop dieting and fussing about idiotic badly behaved boyfriends and focus on friends family and career I would inform her that nobody who matters is going to admire you for dating an actor/musician/model or despise you for putting on a few pounds Long term they will judge you on achievement personality and possibly kindness to others Just a few generations ago my age represented the grey streaked beginning of a gradual decline towards old age Today you need only look all the fircely intelligent attractive forty somethings amongst us from Gillian Flynn and Charlotte Gainsbourg to Rachel Weisz and Esther McVey to see brilliant role models with a lasting sophistication that can only come from the confidence of age and experience Twenty somethings seem a little bland by comparison Cara Delevingne 22 may have Vogue covers under her belt but no grown up would aspire to her party lifestyle and ever-changing new best friends Her best work is undoubtedly yet to come Yes Im more frantic now as the mother of three children aged 9 8 and 6 But I also feel also more empowered like the benign (mostly) dictator of a small and messy country The twenty year old me struggled to make toast for myself first thing in the morning never mind cook porridge egg and bacon for three whilst simultaneously feeding two pets tidying a kitchen and overseeing inane bickering whilst not raising my voice above a light yell all before starting my working day as a newspaper journalist Sometimes I reflect proudly on how much more able I have become It saddens me that at 39 I was obsessed with my forthcoming birthday checking my bathroom mirror daily and agonizing over emerging wrinkles on my face Forty loomed like a dark milestone My husband meanwhile well into his forties was rather bemused In the end when it came 40 was something of a relief I relaxed and started to thoroughly enjoy myself My brain today is in excellent nick In my twenties I cheerfully clouded much of my better judgement with alcohol In my thirties having three babies very close together left me in a sleep deprived haze Now that Ive given up both (weekend prosecco aside) Im the sharpest Ive ever been Im also blessed with the perhaps the best benefit of being 40: There comes at this age a liberating realisation that you cant please everybody I once wished I could be a fly on the wall and hear what people said about me so I could change and make myself more popular These days I am well aware that I cannot be liked by everyone so I dont waste my time trying Being disliked on account of my naturally stoney resting demeanour or bitch-face as my friends jokingly call it - plagued me all my adult life Now I shrug it off I know who I really am inside If someone judges me based on how I look then its their problem Not mine I am occasionally haunted by the sagging skin which is starting to manifest on my forearms Yet I can honestly say that on the whole I like my looks OK I glug down collagen drinks as though theyre water I take a daily probiotic and a fish oil capsule I have a separate cupboard for skin creams and have enjoyed a rainbow selection of facials including ones involving lasers and ultrasound machines I even count my portions of fruit and vegetables But I draw the line with actually changing the shape of my face or resorting to surgery I am not trying to shave a decade off my age and be fancied by builders or twenty-something boys I simply want to look my best I have finally realised that people genuinely do not care if you look less than perfect And yet at 41 despite having three children a house a dog a cat and a husband I still question whether I am truly adult When I go to parents evenings at the childrens school where incidentally most of the teachers look like teenagers themselves I want to whisper to someone Look there has been some mistake Im too young to be here? 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